by: DuraLexSedLex
“I got a question.”
I was finishing my ice cream when suddenly, Moira thought it was fun to ask me a question. Didn’t she notice that I was really annoyed today? I mean likereallypissed off. I can’t even think of a day when I was pissed more than I was right now.
“Shoot,” I said. Surely there’s nothing she could say that could top my already pissed being. I was aiming for the chocolate syrup at the bottom of my cup when she decidedwhy not ask Spencer about Adam and his lady friends.
“I really can’t understand Adam…” she said.
I scoffed. If I could understand Adam, then I wouldn’t have to subject myself under this kind of torture every single day. It was like a broken record being played over and over again, like the same old movie I keep on watching everyday. It’s like reading the same story and expecting a different ending.
I think I need a shrink. Didn’t they say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result?
“Joke’s on me, huh?” I said. “I keep on hanging out with him though I seriously don’t know exactly what we are.”
Moira threw me a pity look. I didn’t care if she thinks I was pitiful… Iampitiful. I pity myself on a regular basis. I knew what I was doing was insane. Why did I fall in love with such a guy? I mean, yeah, Adam istheguy but he keeps on hurting me. Over and over again. I was so attached to the pain that sometimes, I kind of missed it. It was screwed up, really. We’re so screwed up.
“Why can’t you just move on, Spence? Surely there’s someone better than Adam. The guy’s a player,” Moira said. “If I probably draw a vagina on a paper, he’d hit on it.”
“Don’t I know that, Moira?” I told her. “I grew up with Adam. I knew about his trysts and sexcapades but look at me—still here.”
She sighed. I sighed. We both looked at Adam who’s now eating lunch with Piper—his latest lady friend. I was betting she’d last for two weeks. She looks pretty but Adam has a lot of pretty girls around him. I didn’t know if I should consider myself lucky because he keeps me around though I am not as pretty as the girls he usually hooks up with.
But then, why wouldn’t he? Besides being the girl who’s crazy enough to love him, I am also his best friend—well, I think I am his best friend. He didn’t have any female friends because it’s either he already slept with them or they’re not his type.
The lunch was over and we both went our separate ways. I went to my advanced Physics class and sat down. I still had 3 classes before I can go home. I just want to go home and have a date with Netflix and watch rerun of Friends. Good thing Adam’s not in this class because I didn’t exactly want to see him right now. I knew I had no right to be pissed at him because he’s not mine… but I can’t control what I was feeling.
My stupid heart’s already loyal to Adam. No matter how much pain he inflicts, my heart wouldn’t even budge. For years, I’ve been in love with Adam. I can’t even remember not being in love with him.
But maybe this was my destiny. I’ve been a bad kid—I remember breaking my mom’s vase and blaming it on my twin brother. He got his game consoles taken away from him and he was grounded for 3 days. He was so mad at me back then but one tear from me was enough to have my mom reprimand him. But Karma’s such a b-word. I only broke a vase! I think having my heart broken over and over again was too much a payment!
When my classes ended, I went out and dialed Silas’ number.
“Where are you?” I asked him. My teacher gave an assignment due tomorrow and I’d like to get started on it as soon as possible. Usually, I hang out with Adam after class but since he’s quite busy with his lady friend, I figure that I better make productive use of my time.
“I have practice, remember?” he asked and I grunted. Why do I always forget that he’s a member of the soccer team! And why can’t my dad allow me to drive my car? I mean, what’s the use of giving me a car if he won’t give me the keys? Is that his way of subtly telling me to learn how to hotwire?
“So, what about me? I need to go home now!” I knew I sounded like a brat but Silas’ lived with me since we got fertilized so he’ll be fine.
There was noise from his end and I was thinking that maybe he’s with his famous friends again. It’s such a mystery why my twin’s in the upper side of the school’s social strata while here I was… still me. I mean, I’m practically Silas since we’re twins and everything—minus the abs, the dimples, and his man-parts. So why was I still not famous? Life’s mystery.
“Do you really need to go home? The practice will only take—”
“I. Need. To. Go. Now.” Imagining all the typing I would be doing was enough to drive me to the edge.
“Can’t yourfrienddrive you home?” he said.
“Please. You know Adam’s preoccupied right now. And please stop with the tone, Silas. It’s getting old.”
He still can’t get over the fact that his twin sister’s got a huge crush on his friend. Seriously, I think it’s so pathetic that there’s been a drift in his friendship with Adam since he learned about the feelings I harbor for Adam. I mean, was it my fault that he has such hot friends? Did I ask to be subjected to such a temptation whenever he would invite them over? I’m just human! I gave in to the temptation. I’m weak.
He sighed. “Well, I can’t drive you but I can prolly ask someone to drive you home.”
“Who?”
“I don’t know. Owen, maybe?”
“Fine. I’ll be outside.”
I ended the call and started walking outside when I stopped Adam with his friend. Adam had his arm draped over her shoulder and they’re laughing like there’s no one who’s hurting from their display of affection. I should have probably get used to this by now. How many times have I seen Adam kiss another girl? How many times have I seen him be sweet to someone other than me? How many times have I gotten myself broken over the same thing over and over again?
And why was I still in love with him despite the pain he’s causing me?
“Hey.”
I was disturbed from my thinking when Owen pulled over. He rolled the windows down and looked at me. I sighed. Maybe it’s better this way… Maybe it’s better to get my heart broken over and over again. Maybe one day, this heart would learn on its own to stop loving Adam. Because I was pretty sure I don’t control my heart anymore so I’d just let it learn the cold truth on its own.
That loving Adam is nothing far from being a masochist. It’s just hurting, hurting, and a little more hurting.
I got inside his car and sighed. I looked at Adam from his side-mirror and sighed even more. Why was I such a little masochist?
“What?” I asked Owen when he still didn’t start driving.
He looked at me. Why? Was he pitying me like everybody else? Well, there’s no need! I’ve got enough pity to last a year!
“Seatbelt,” he said.
Oh.
Once I got my seatbelt on, he started driving. Good thing Owen’s not that big of a fan of small talk. I was in no mood to talk, really. I just wanted to go home and feed myself some more ice cream before I begin doing my assignment. When we got home, I sighed. Gods I’ve sighed so many times today!
“Thanks,” I told Owen. He just nodded at me, no questions asked. He’s such a gentleman that I wonder how come he’s friends with both Adam and Silas—he’s so different from them.
I walked towards the door and Owen’s still there. It’s his habit. Whenever he would drive me home, he’d wait until I get inside before he drives away. His future girlfriend would be so lucky.
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” I said under my breath. I twisted the knob a few more times before I finally convinced myself that the door’s locked! Great! I quickly whipped my phone from my bag and called my mom. She’s not picking. There’s no use calling dad because I was pretty sure he’s in a meeting or something. I called Silas but he’s not picking up, too, because of his soccer thing. “Ugh!” I said as I fought the urge to kick this door down.
“Hey, there a problem?” Owen shouted from his car.
I let out a huge sigh before I dragged myself back to his car. “Door’s locked.”
“Don’t you have keys?”
“Don’t you think I’ve thought about that, genius?”
“Hey, there’s no need for hostility,” he said and I immediately felt sorry for him. I was just really annoyed today and the things that were happening weren’t making it any easier. “What’s your plan?”
I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted to lie on my bed and stuff my mouth with lots of ice cream until my brain freezes but I guess even those were impossible. It kinda felt like the heavens wanted me to suffer in every way imaginable. I just wanted to take a beat from all the emotional suffering!
“I just need a cup of ice cream and laptop to start my paper…” I said and sighed. Here I was thinking that this day couldn’t get any worse but heavens just proved me how wrong I was.
I was still busy in wallowing in self-pity when Owen revved his car back to life. “Seatbelt.” I had nothing better to do. I didn’t want to go back to school and risk seeing Adam again. So what the heck.
Owen drove and I didn’t even ask a damn thing. I usually talk a lot and complain a lot but right now, I just felt so drained. Knowing that I’d be seeing Adam tomorrow and see how he’s so sweet with his latest lady friend would just depress me so I was just taking a bit of rest.
When he pulled over, I was surprised when he brought me to an ice cream parlor.
“What?” he asked me when I was looking at him like he’s grown an extra head or something. “Come on. I want some ice cream, too,” he said and then he got off his car and started walking towards the parlor. I got off, too, though I still couldn’t get my head around the idea that I’d be eating ice cream with Owen. I mean, I’d known the guy for 3 years but this, so far, was the closest thing to actuallybonding.He just usually drives me home.
“I’ll have strawberry,” Owen said. He saw me giving him strange look. “What? A guy can’t like strawberry?”
“You’re weird,” I said.
“You, too.”
I shook my head and ordered a serving of banana split. I was about to pay when I learned that Owen already settled the bill. Nice guy, that one. As I sat down, I saw a laptop.
“What?” he said when he caught me staring at him. “You need a laptop, right?” I nodded. “There it is.”
“Uhm, thanks.”
He just nodded at me and then began doing something with his phone. He’s just… I can’t understand him. I’ve been around him for quite long, too, but still, I can’t get how Owen operates. Or maybe it was because I don’t usually pay him any attention. Whenever he’s around, my sole focus is all on Adam.
But now that he’s here, I realized that he’s indeed weird.
“Staring is rude.”
“Sorry. I just find you weird.”
“What?”
“I mean, we don’t really talk and all that and it’s perfectly fine with me… but now you’re so nice. You treat me with an ice cream and even let me borrow your laptop. I just don’t get it,” I said. If there’s one thing that I like about myself, it’s that I shoot arrows point blank—except for my feelings for Adam, my exception amongst all things.
“Is it bad to be nice?” he shot back.
“No,” I replied. “It’s just weird…”
He shrugged. “I just want to make things easier for you,” he said before he put a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth. My brows furrowed. What did he mean with that?
“What do you mean?” I asked him.
He looked at me like he’s thinking if he’s going to tell me what he wants to tell me. I’ve got a feeling about what it was. I didn’t want to hear it but I felt the need to. Maybe a huge slap on the face with reality was the key.
“It’s none of my business,” he said.
I grunted. “Just tell it!”
And then there’s that stare again. “Adam doesn’t like you like the way you like him, Spencer. You’ve got to stop it.”
What Owen said got stuck inside my head. I knew he’s right. For years, I’ve known that the best thing for me was to stop these crazy feelings I got for Adam. He doesn’t like me and he probably never will. We’ve known each other for 3 years and still, nada! It was just me who puts color in everything he does for me. For him, it’s probably all harmless gesture. But I do have feelings for him… so I blow everything out of proportion and that’s my biggest problem.
So the next morning, I can’t eat. My mom noticed it.
“Honey, something wrong?” she asked me and worry was laced in her voice. I wish I could just tell mom about my problem. I mean, it’d be nice to have someone to talk about this in our house. I only have Moira to talk about my Adam-related problems and when she’s not available, I have no one. I need to have more friends.
I shook my head. “It’s nothing,” I told her.
“You sure?” she asked me once more and I nodded. Good thing one of her friends called her so she dropped the topic. I can’t have her know that I have feelings for Adam because she’d certainly tell my dad about it and I can’t have that! My father’s really protective of me (as in crazy protective) and I was pretty sure he wouldn’t let Adam anywhere near our house once he knew about my feelings.
It was enough that I was competing with his lady friends for some alone time. I can’t have my strongest connection with him cut off.
“Morning,” Silas greeted me.
“Morning,” I greeted back.
“What’s your problem?” he asked me as he helped himself over a platter of bacon and eggs. It’s so unfair! I only eat averysmall bread every morning but then I gain weight like crazy! But Silas? He eats like a madman everyday but not one ounce of fat in his body! So unfair!
“Nothing new.”
He nodded. “So, Adam again?” he said and I shrugged. “What do you even see in him? You know he’s a player.”
“Birds of the same feather flock together and I’m living with one of the birds so what do I know,” I rebutted. “Besides, he’s your friend, Silas. You should be happy that I’m in love with your friend and not some druggie out there. That is a big possibility, you know,” I told him. I mean, I watch TV and I’ve seen how most girls my age fall for people who do drugs. Apparently, batshit crazy guys with dilated pupils is the new attractive in my generation. He should be really thankful that I am not attracted to those people!
“Because he’s my friend and it’s just fuckin’ weird.”
“Well, you’re screwing my friend and you don’t hear me complaining, right?” I told him and his eyes almost budged from their sockets. I smirked. “Oh, yeah. I know about you and Moira, you asshole.”
I’m not blind… and most certainly not deaf. We live under the same roof and my room is next to his! I could hear their muffled moans every freaking night!
“How—why? What the fuck?!”
I rolled my eyes at him. “Oh, for the love of heaven, Silas. I don’t care if you’re sleeping with Moira. I’ve warned her plenty about your evil ways and she’s a free man. If she wants to be with you, then so be it. But just so you know, if ever you hurt her, always remember that I have access to your room,” I told him. I love Moira but that girl’s crazy—well, maybe that’s why we’re friends. We’re both in love with players. Silas is my brother but he’s no saint.
“It’s different,” Silas said.
“Really? Why so? Enlighten me, brother,” I replied. I wanted to eat more bread and gods! Those strips of bacon looked so enticing! Okay, Spencer, remember you have prom in two months! You need to fit inside a dress!
‘A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips,’I kept on repeating inside my head as I fought against the temptation brought by meat.
“When Moira and I first slept,” he said and I cringed at the mental image of them. Silas must have seen my horrified expression so he rolled his eyes at me. “When we first slept together, I made clear that it’s nothing serious.”
My brows furrowed. “And this enlightens me how?”
He shook his head at me. I should be the frustrated one! He just admitted that he’s such a player! My brother’s a pig!
“I’m not leading Moira on. I tell her the score and she said she’s fine with it.”
“Silas, I really am not getting anything here,” I told him. Why did I talk to him in the first place? He’s really not the best person to talk about love andfeelingsbecause he clearly doesn’t have a heart. He’s just using his man-parts.
He sighed. “Spence, you’re my sister and I want to respect your feelings but it’s hard when I see Adam leading you on and dropping you and then lead you on again. It’s a fucking endless cycle.”
“That’s not true!” I shouted. Mom came back and I had to tell her that it’s nothing. When she was gone, I sneered at Silas. “He’s not leading me on.”
Silas shook his head. “Come on, Spence. You’re a smart girl. You know what’s the real deal between you and Adam.”
I stood up and got my bag. “Know what? You’re one to talk when it’s basically the same thing you’re doing to most girls in our school.” We’re supposed to go to school together but I didn’t think I was in the mood to ride with him. I get that he’s just being protective of me but I was just annoyed. Everyone’s telling me to stop but I can’t and that’s my problem! If I could just instruct my heart to stop beating so freaking fast every time I think about Adam then wouldn’t that be fantastic?!
I tried calling Moira but she said she’s already at school and there’s no way that I’d come back inside and ask Silas to drive me! I’d like to keep my pride, thank you!
So I let out a sigh and began walking to our neighbor’s house.
“Hi, Mrs. Dela Torre,” I greeted. “Is Adam still inside?” Mrs. Dela Torre smiled at me and motioned me to come inside. I sat down and waited for Adam. I really didn’t want to inconvenient him right now—and to talk to him but I’ve got no choice. I’ve really got to make more friends!
“Hey,” Adam said.
“Hey,” I replied. “Can I ride with you?”
“Sure. Fight with Silas?” he asked and I nodded. Adam draped his arm around me and then messed my hair. “You must’ve done something to piss him off again.”
“Hey, it’s not always my fault!” I defended myself.’We fought about you,’I wanted to say but I didn’t want to scare him away.
Adam smiled at me and I melted again. “Sure thing, princess,” he told him. “I’ll just grab my things.” He tossed me his keys. He got to his room to get his stuff while I opened his car and went in. As I got in, I was welcomed with a very sweet scent. Ugh! This was precisely why riding with Adam was a very bad idea! I was being reminded again that he’s with someone else! I could just smell Piper all over his car!
I rummaged my bag and sprayed my perfume all over.Huh, Piper, take that!I must have probably sprayed a little too much because I was beginning to feel a bit faint from the smell.
When Adam came in, he noticed it, too.
“Sorry, I spilled my perfume,” I lied.
“Sure, it’s fine,” he said as he revved the engine. “Anyway, I’ll be picking up Piper. You OK with that?” he asked me.
I nodded. She’s the girlfriend so what can I do. “Yeah, sure,” I said.
We drove to Piper’s place and when we’re one block away, Silas stopped the engine. “Spence,” he said and I looked at him.
“What?”
“Can you move at the backseat? I mean, if it’s OK with you?” he said and that just hit a spot. Of course I can’t sit shotgun because it’s the girlfriend-seat. I was hurt but I chose to fake a smile. God, why was he so dense?! From all these years, haven’t he noticed yet that I have feelings for him?!
“Sure,” I said, biggest lie ever. I opened the door of the car and transferred at the back. It hurt so freaking much. It was like the biggest slap right at the face. I knew I wasn’t the girlfriend and I was still making my peace with it… I still wasn’t over it. I was still painful. And this? This was making everything too much.
It hurt. So fucking much. But I guess I have to deal with it, right? I was not the girlfriend… and I was beginning to believe I would never be.
He drove again and when Piper got inside, she immediately spotted me. “Morning,” I greeted.
“Yeah, sure, good morning,” she said. She turned at Adam and gave him a peck. “Morning, babe,” she said. I diverted my eyes. Gods! I just wanted to jump out of this car and just walk my way to school!
My heart’s hurting. I can take only so much… and I was starting to believe I’ve got my fill. Adam really has his own way of breaking me over and over again. He can break me without him even knowing about it. He held such power over me.
They were talking about what they did tonight and it was like rubbing salt on a very fresh and open wound. I wanted to go out and just get away from them. I can’t take any of Adam’s shit right now. I knew he’s not at fault. It’s not his fault that I love him. It’s not his fault that he didn’t know about me and my stupid feelings…
Why can’t I be happy?
“Hey, you OK there?” Adam asked me.
I nodded. I didn’t have the heart to talk to him. I just wanted to go to school and distance myself from him. I just wanted to get rid of my feelings for him. It’s not healthy anymore. I feel like if I continue to love him, it will just break me permanently.
“You sure? You look sick, Spence,” he said, worried. “You want me to drive you back home?”
I shook my head. “I’m fine. I just forgot to put makeup on so I look pale,” I lied.
“Sure?”
“Yes,” I said, firm. “Let’s just go to school.”
The drive to school was excruciating, too. Piper kept on talking about wanting to go to this place and all things I wish I could do with Adam. It didn’t matter if she’ll only last for 2 weeks… at least she experienced being with Adam. Not like me who’ll only get to dream about it.
“Thanks for the lift,” I said to Adam. I didn’t even wait for him to answer. I ran from him. I was done for the day. I got hurt enough.
I went to my first period and I almost cursed loudly when I remembered that I was classmates with Adam. The teacher’s not there yet. I was seatmate with Adam and I really didn’t want any interaction with him today.
“Hey, Spence,” Silas called. “Sorry about this morning. I didn’t—”
I cut him off. “It’s fine,” I said.
“Sure?”
I nodded. “Can you do me a favor, though?” I asked him and he said yes. “Can we switch places?”
His brows furrowed. I begged him before to let me sit with Adam and he was dead serious about not letting me. He said it will just fuel my already burning obsession with his friend and he refuses to play a part. I had to do his chores for a week so he’d switch seats with me. “What?”
I heard Adam’s voice from outside. I didn’t have any more time for this.
“Please, Silas.”
“Fine,” he said and then he stood up. I took his seat and placed my head on the desk. Gods it was still morning but it felt like an entire day had already passed! I should have really just walked to school…
When Adam came, of course he noticed.
“Do we have a problem, Spence?” he asked me. I just wish Mrs. Monteith would arrive so I didn’t have to talk to Adam.
I shook my head. “My head’s just hurting.”
“Are you sick? I told you I should have just driven you home,” he said, really worried. Good thing he dropped the topic off. I didn’t want to tell him that I can’t sit next to him because I decided not to love him anymore because it’s so toxic. “Do you want to go to the clinic?” This was why I fell in love with him. He’s really sweet when he shouldn’t be. He shouldn’t be so kind to me if he has no plans of being with me. He’s just making me hope for things that will never happen.
“No.”
Mrs. Monteith arrived shortly after so I was able to stop lying. Adam looked at me one more before he focused on class. I was able to breathe after that.
“You’re a bad liar.”
“You think?” I told Owen. “Then why did Adam believe me?”
“Do you really want me to answer your question?”
And I shook my head. I had enough reality-slap today.