“Miss…” you stopped. “May I please know who you are?”
Ako naman ang napatigil sa ginagawa ko. You sound so sad.You already planned this night. Get him to this hotel. Make love to him. Leave him. Forget about everything.
Two years have passed, nothing has changed between us. I feel guilty about it from time to time especially when we’re together.
I guess I got away with what I did.
Kung alam mo lang kung gaano ko gustong aminin sa’yo lahat. Pero lahat ng tao may weakness. Mine just happened to be low self-esteem and anxiety. I wonder if things would have turned out differently if I just got my mother’s level of confidence and not my dad’s. Nagcecelebrate na kaya tayo ng anniversary ngayon o di kaya baka hindi na tayo magkaibigan dahil hindi tayo nagkatuluyan?
We both got in and out of different relationships since that night.
Nakakatawa lang no? I’m in love with you yet I had a hard time telling you how I feel. But the guys I had been with? I loved them too yet I was able to tell them that I do.
I thought giving myself a chance to fall for someone else is the key to forgetting you but I’m wrong. I accepted my fate anyway. I’m just someone who doesn’t have the balls to tell their feelings to someone they are in love with just because of fear rejection. But who isn’t afraid of that?
Napatingin ako sa bonefire na nasa harapan ko. I can still remember ‘our’ night. How the hell was I able to pull that off? Only God knows how.
“C’mon guys! Tayo, tayo, tayo!” Sinunod ko ang utos ng nagsasalita at ganon din ikaw. “These drinks are for our dear friends right here,” one of our mutual friends pointed at you and me.
Actually, he is your friend.
The people with us now are your friends who also became my friends. You were so stubborn that you did not give up on breaking my walls and pulling me out of my comfort zone. Freshmen year, I was alone. Five years later, I’ve got bunch of people I can depend on.
Just like what you did to me before, you have changed me in different ways and in so many levels even if we are just friends.
“…for passing the board exam!” Nagpalakpakan at naghiyawan ang mga tao sa paligid natin.
“At hindi lang yan.” Our friend continued. “Alam kong alam na nating lahat ito pero gusto ko lang pasalamatan ang dahilan kung bakit tayo nandito sa napakagandang islang ito ngayon nang walang kahit na anong gastos. Thank you for bringing us here in your island. And of course…”
Nagulat ako nang bigla mong hinawakan ang kaliwang kamay ko gamit ang kanan mo. It’s not just a simple touch. For a second or two, your hand intertwined with mine. Napatingin ako sa’yo pero hindi ka nakatingin sa akin. Although I felt your thumb caressing my skin.
“Let’s congratulate her for being one of the top ten board passers! Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”
Kasabay no’n ang pagtaas mo ng kamay ko sa ere at ang pagwawala ng mga tao sa paligid natin.
“Para kang sira.” Natawa na lang ako sa ginawa mo. “Lasing ka na no?”
Nginitian mo lang ako na parang batang nang-aasar.
You have always changed me for the better. And that makes you an inspiration. Gosh. Nahawa na ako sa kakornihan mo.
After a one hellish year of preparation for the board exam, ngayon lang tayo uli makakapagsaya nang ganito. Ngayon na lang uli tayo makakapaglasing. Wala naman sigurong masama kung kakalimutan ko muna ang lahat ngayon.
I just need peace of mind and silently enjoy the night with you.
“Since minsan lang tayo magkasama-sama ng ganito, why don’t we have some ‘real talk’?” A friend of ours suggested.
She isn’t pinpointing anyone specifically but I can feel my heartbeat getting faster. Calm down. Calm down.
“We have been friends for five years na no?” she added. “And even if we are a small group, kahit pito lang tayo, I’m glad we all met.”
“Yeahhhh.” You answered happily and shouted, “Shot!”
We followed your lead.
A lot of what-nots about our college lives were reminisced and I realized that I love you all so much – you more than the others – but I do love everyone in here for giving me the best days of my college life. I love the way we all laugh together from day zero up until now.
“Ehem. Ehem. Pero naiintriga lang ako. May dalawang tao talaga na nakakalito ang relasyon e.” Another one of our girl friends started while she’s looking simultaneously from me and you. “Alam niyo, kayong dalawa yung laging nawawala kapag may inuman tayo sa Manila.”
“Tama! Tama!” another one agreed while laughing. “Malingat lang ako saglit then mapapa ‘where the fvck did those two go again?'”
Magkatapat tayo ngayon dahil nagkalipatan ng pwesto kanina. Okay lang sa akin. Better. Kasi nakikita ko ang mukha mo. You were giving your speech with a sense of accomplishment. It’s fake ‘kayabangan’ if you ask me to describe it. Just for the laughs, you pretend to be boastful from time to time.
“Well,” you started. “Kami ni…” I feel happy and giddy whenever you mention my name. “…we have the same level of maturity when it comes to ‘inuman’. Kaya kami nawawala niyan dahil alam namin ang limit namin sa alak. Kapag hindi na naming kaya, umaalis muna kami. Pa-chill muna kesa basag.” You explained it too well.
Although, you missed one thing. I just follow you around kaya nakuha ko ang ganung personality. I notice that you always volunteer to buy additional chips, ice, beer or other things whenever you don’t want to drink anymore. But you’re not the type of person who ‘escapes’ us. You just want to take a breather and then come back to us and join us again. Kasi alam ko, deep inside, you want to be the last man standing to protect all of us. Ikaw ang laging taga-hatid ng mga hindi na kayang umuwi. Ikaw lagi. You always make sure we are all okay before you go home. So I just decided to go with you whenever you feel like you need to rest. We often walk together and go to 7/11 para mahimasmasan. Food trip na din minsan. I treasure those moments with you.
Parang sasabog ang puso ko dahil narererealize ko na naman kung gaano ako tinamaan sa’yo. I feel so much for you that it hurts.
“I couldn’t have explained it better.” I smiled while looking at you.
“So may mutual understanding?”
“She is…” you looked at me intently then smiled genuinely. I don’t what it means or even if it means something. Ayokong umasa. Ayoko. “BBF ko yan.”
“Putang-ina pre, ano yung BBF?” mura ng kabarkada natin habang tinitingnan ka nang masama. “BlackBerry Friends?”
“Best Friend Forever.”, napakamot ka ng ulo.
“BFF yun! Learn your fucking alphabet, pre. Bwiset ka. Laughtrip tong gagong to.”
We all laughed our ass out together because of your mistake.
“Pero seryoso nga, bestfriend lang talaga?”
And for a minute or two, we looked at each other. There were no pressure. There were no clues if the answer is yes or no. But you know what? There was bliss. Hindi ko din magets ang sarili ko. I just got ‘bestfriend zoned’ by the guy I am in love with, but why in the hell do I feel happy? Maybe because, at least, I know that I am special.
“Oo nga. BBF.” Sabay nating sinagot ang tanong nila.
Nagising ako sa tunog ng hampas ng alon sa dalampasigan. Dumilat ako pero madilim. I’m about to rub my eyes when I realized my hands are stuck somewhere.
Fear started to sink in. My face started to get hot.
Ginalaw ko uli ang mga kamay ko.
And it’s not dark, I felt a piece of cloth over my eyes. I’m blindfolded and I’m handcuffed.
I was starting to panic when I heard a familiar voice.
“You’re already awake, huh?” I heard your sleepy voice next to me.
“Ano ‘to?” tanong ko na may bakas ng galit. “Is this some kind of joke?”
“No honey, it’s just payback.” I felt your body shifted. Now you’re over me. I can feel your weight on my body.
Being drunk from last night’s party, my head is not working as fast as I want it to be. It took me a few seconds before I realized what the hell is happening.
Does he know? No. That’s impossible. It has been two years, if he’s talking about my sin then why act only now?
“What the fvck are you saying?” I tried to free myself from the handcuffs. “Let me go.”
I felt your lips on my right shoulder and up to my neck. I felt my body shivered as soon as your tongue made contact with my skin.
“Why are you doing this?”
“You know why,” You nibbled my ears with your lips. I can also feel the tip of your tongue. It feels hot. I still feel dizzy.
“Stop.” I pleaded. A little more of this will get me of the edge.
“Do you really want me to?” You asked as you put your hand inside my shirt. Alarmingly, I’m not wearing anything underneath anymore. You pinched my nipples which made me moan.
“I think you don’t.”
You started to be more aggressive now. You suck on my nipples na parang walang bukas. It stings but it also feels good. Naramdaman ko ang unti-unti mong pagbaba sa tyan ko.
“Please, tanggalin mo yung blindfold ko.” I whispered. “I want to see you do it…”
You swiftly did as was told.
“Oh fvck.” Napaungol ako sa paglapat ng dila mo sa clit ko.
“Wala pa nga.” I can feel you smirking.
You started to tease my pvssy with your tongue which made me hungrier for what’s coming next.
“Don’t tease me anymore,” I pleaded. And I think that made you hornier. You swallowed and ate me as if you really own me. “Damn it.” I moaned your name. Damn. Without inhibitions, I can now finally moan your name. I can feel how wet I am. I want to be fcked already but I want to savour what you’re doing to me. Your every lick, every kiss and every suck makes me want you more and more.
Naramdaman ko ang daliri mo sa bukana pero hindi mo pinapasok. Alam kong gusto-gusto mo akong sinasabik. Damn. But this is too much. Sobra na ang pagpupumiglas ko sa mga posas sa kamay ko. Gusto kitang isubsob lalo sa pvssy ko pero hindi ko magawa. Ugh. You are so damn good.
“Shhh.” You stopped. “Huwag kang masyadong magalaw, baka magmarka yan sa kamay mo.” Then you smirked.
You asked me to stop pero kung dilaan mo yung pvke ko parang gusto mong mas lalo pa akong magpumiglas. You are making me crazy. Lalo na nung sinimulang mong ilabas-pasok ang daliri mo sa pvke ko habang pinagmamasdan mo kung paano ako nasasarapan.
Ang bilis ng mga pangyayari, I can now see and feel the tip of your cock on my pvssy. Dahan-dahan mong iniikot yung ulo sa bukana ko. Minsan pinapasok-pasok mo pero nilalabas mo din kaagad. Nakakabaliw kasi bawat pasok mo, magkakaiba ng lalim.
“Just fvck me already…” I moaned. But you didn’t. You keep on teasing me while rubbing my clit. Grabe ang self-control mo. Or so I thought.
“Oh my…sht!” I moaned and groaned as you slammed all of your cock inside me and proceeded to fvck me. And all I can do is watch, moan and cum without being able to touch you.
You removed my handcuffs and whispered.
“Let’s fvck properly na this time.”
And we did.
I feel the coldness of the wind and coarseness of the surface on my skin. I slowly opened my eyes and realized that I fell asleep on the beach. Actually, hindi lang ako.
All seven of us, fell asleep here. I was the first one to wake up. Malapit nang mag bukang liwayway.
Dali-dali kong tiningnan ang pulso ko – walang kahit na anong marka at walang kahit na anong sakit.
“Putang-ina,” I rarely curse like this pero putangina. “Panaginip lang pala.”
Do you know the feeling when you really had a good dream and when you finally wake up from it, you feel like you’d rather continue sleeping. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t.
Wala na akong masyadong maalala kagabi at hindi ko na din maalala kung paano tayo nagging maging magkatabing nakatulog.
We’re both fully-clothed so no, nothing happened.
We still have siguro two minutes before the sunrise so I’m just gonna watch you for a while before waking you up.
“I love you,” I whispered. I hate myself right now. I really do. And it’s breaking my heart for not being able to tell my true feelings.
I started to wake you up. Madali ka namang nagising.
“Good morning,” You smiled. Oh gosh. How I love your smile.
Hindi din nagtagal, nagising na ang mga kaibigan natin.
We all watched how the sun rised. How everything went from blue to orange. How the cold turn to heat. And from time to time, I steal glances from you.
Here’s the feeling of pure bliss again.
Just you and me. Whenever. Wherever. It calms me.
You know what? I swear. I promise to myself, I would tell my feelings for you someday when I’m ready. Bago ko tuparin ang mga pangarap ko, sasabihin ko sa’yo na matagal na kitang gusto. Regardless sa level ng chance na magugustuhan mo din ako pabalik.
Time really files.
At mas bumibilis pa ito kapag magkalayo kayo.
And just like how we watched the sunrise on an island, I watched how the ‘change’ unfolded between us. But this time, it’s not the start of another day but an end for something that could have been beautiful. I watched how everything went from orange to dark blue. How the heat turn to cold. I can feel the darkness creeping in on me. It is scary to face the night when the reason to get up every morning is already out of reach.
I rarely promise because whenever I do, I make sure I keep it. But this time, I am too late.
“Hey, are you still there?” a friend of ours asked. And since I am in a country far from home, we just used a certain app to talk online.
“Nakita mo na?” She’s referring about your picture she sent to me.
“Yes,” I typed followed by a smiley face.
“You really had no idea? That’s weird. Akala ko kayo ang pinakaclose kaya akala ko alam mo na. None of us knew, anyway, so don’t feel bad about it although I feel bad about it. Like how could he keep that a secret? Nainis nga ako e.”
Everything became silent. It felt like I became deaf. Everything started falling apart. And that’s when I knew I already lost my chance even before I became ready. I wasn’t even able to tell you how much I feel for you. I thought I had every time in the world because a year ago, we were just watching the sunrise together and everything was going well. We were both focusing on our careers and personal growth. How can this happen? Of all of us, why would you be the first one?
And it hit me, this is the punishment for the crime I willingly committed three years ago. I thought I got away with it but I didn’t because if I did I wouldn’t be staring at your picture with the caption,
Just got married.