Disclaimer:
A work of fiction. Nothing is real in this world. Even you.
I’d known from the start that i shouldn’t be talking in here.
Sa maraming kadahilanan.
First, this is the wake of someone who’s not blood-related to me, and never can i consider him as my family. Never. Even in my next life, if there’s any. I will never ever consider that man to be one of my beloved family.
After a year, pagkamatay ng tatay ko, tandang tanda ko pa iyong gabi na iyon.
Maulan noon. Tila ba sinasabayan ng langit ang pagbagsak ng mga luha sa aking mga mata.
Heto si mama, umuwi galing trabaho. May kasamang lalaki. Matangkad, matipuno, pero mukhang barumbado ang hilatsa ng mukha. Well, I don’t want to be a judgmental here but, iyon ang tingin ko sa kanya.
I was confused, trying to figure out what may possibly going on. I tried to shove off my mind the idea that, that stranger would be the new head figure for us. Probably, just business for work he had to come to our place. But it is no more than a common sense to get the picture. It is a no brainer.
Man, a widow, both adults, one room. Ano pa nga bang dapat kong isipin?
The next thing i know, they were getting married.
Yea, at first, maayos naman ang pakikitungo ni Uncle Jake. He was caring for me like his own daughter. Tagabigay ng luho ko sa katawan. Nagsusustento sa amin ni mama. All the good things he has, he just showed it all.
But those were just a front act.
Unti-unting nagbago ang dating magaan niyang pakikitungo sa amin ni mama. Nawala ang respeto at paggalang niya sa aming dalawa.
He even force my mom to have sex with him even my mother don’t have the drive to do it.
Naaalala ko pa noon, basta bigla bigla niya na lang itinutuwad si mama sa may maliit naming lamesa sa sala. At doon ay babanatan niya na ito na animo’y isang presong hindi naka-iyot nang ilang taon.
Nagpatuloy ang kalbaryo namin ni mama sa mga kamay ni Uncle Jake. Gabi-gabing umuuwi nang lasing, tapos ay kami ang pagbabalingan. Walang hating-gabing hindi ko nakikitang umiiyak si mama.
Wala akong magawa.
Ano ba ang magagawa ng isang dalagitang tulad ko laban sa barumbado kong step-father?
Wala.
Minsan naiisip kong kasalanan ito lahat ni papa. Bakit niya kami iniwan nang maaga? Bakit hindi siya lumaban sa sakit niyang leukemia? Bakit hindi hinayaan niyang mapunta kami ni mama sa isang walang kwentang lalaki tulad nitong hayop na ito?
Ang dami kong tanong. Pero ni minsan hindi ko magawang sisihin si mama. Alam kong, nagmahal lang siya. There’s nothing wrong with that. Nataon lang na sa maling tao.
Isang gabi bago ang aking kaarawan, i was about to turn seventeen.
Nakahiga ako sa sulok ng aking kama. Sa madilim kong kwarto. Wala akong kamalay-malay na iyon pala ang magiging pinaka madilim na parte ng buhay ko.
Sa kalagitnaan nang aking mahimbing na tulog. Biglang bumigat ang aking pakiramdam.
Tila naka-tanikala ang aking mga kamay at paa.
Hindi ako makagalaw.
Hirap akong huminga.
Dumilat ako, ang tagal pa bago ko nakitang maigi, ang mukha ni Uncle Jake na halos sampung sentimetro na lang ang layo mula sa aking mukha.
Nanlilisik ang mata.
Nakakatakot.
Nagpupumiglas ako hanggang sa nanghina ang aking katawan.
Namalayan ko na lamang na ako ay wala ng saplot na natitira sa aking katawan.
Sinunggaban ako ni Uncle Jake. His lips attacked mine.
He explored my infinite river of youthfulness and beauty and never missed an inch of my exposed skin. Every single stroke of his hands against my body was a nightmare.
Nakaramdam ako nang pagkapunit. Hindi lamang sa pisikal na katawan, maging sa aking pagkatao.
He was humping me, and moaning with pleasure.
Tumagal lang nang ilang minuto.
And he reached his climax and heaven.
But not for me. All i reached was hell.
At pagkatapos ng malagim na pangyayaring iyon, naging regular na ang paggamit sa akin ng hayop na lalaking ito.
Tila isang almusal sa umaga, walang lilipas na araw na hindi niya ako nagagalaw.
My life sucks.
I even had a thought of committingsuicide.
But no. Fucking hell, no.
If i did that, wala ako ngayon sa harap niyo upang ilahad ang mga malalagim na kwento tungkol sa aking pamilya at ng lalaking ito.
It may be ironic that this eulogy to my stepfather is not about honoring him. Hate me for this, but he insisted that i must at least say a word.
But I’m not gonna do that. I won’t just a word.
I will say a story.
So let’s all bear my turtorous presence while he comfortably lies in his white wooden casket, with carves of flowers on the side of this coffin, or are those corns? I would bet this costs more like, thirty thousand? Right, mom? That’s a little amount compared to how much he had contributed to the liqour company and cockfighting sports industry, eh? And why did you even put a cross? How sure are you he’d go to heaven. If there is even a heaven in his reality.
Sa kabila ng mga ginawa niyang kasalanan? No freaking way he’d go to heaven.
His death is not the ticket for all the wrong things he had committed to do on this universe. Himd being dead did not make him less guilty for all his crimes, primarily him cpming to my mom’s life, only it just ceased to continue. But did you expect that just because he’s dead, the way i look at him would change? No way, because the way he was to us in the past scarred this already scarred and hurting family.
Nothing will change in the future because nothing can ever change in the past. And being him lifeless would not make up for that.
I wish you were still here to absorb all these. Sana nakikita mo lahat ng tagumpay ko ngayon. I wish you’d seen me succeed and i wish I’d seen you regret and beg and wish you had undone your existence.
And by the way, i am you. Yes, you. So stand up and lift that fucking butt. Start fighting for your own good. No one will ever save you except you, and yourself.
Rape victims. Be brave.