NEVER GIVE EVERYTHING to someone you THINK you LOVE.
I’m not here to get sympathy from you guys because I know I don’t deserve it. I’m not here to hear from you that everything is going to be okay because everything WILL NEVER BE OKAY.
I just want you to learn from my mistakes. I know malaki ang kasalanan ko and maybe I do deserve everything that has happened to me, but everytime I think about it, deep inside I always believe that the consequences that I am facing right now are too much. And it hurts. Sobrang sakit. But it’s my fault so I should suck it up and make sure it won’t happen again.
I had a relationship with a married man. We started off as friends first for maybe a year because our relationship became something more. At first he lied about being married. I found out about it and confronted him then he told me the truth and that he has kids. The eldest is 2 years older than me. (Yes, older. We have a 23 years age gap.) I was going to leave him that time. But he begged me not to. He told me that he and his wife are not going to be okay. He told me that he doesn’t have a good relationship with his kids. That they don’t seem to care about him. He fucking begged me to stay and even cried lol. And because I was marupok, I fucking stayed. That time, we weren’t into video calls or SOP yet. We were just chatting. We used to chat everyday about random stuff. We talked about movies and we debate on random things, esp politics and my decisions. We were great friends. He was my bestfriend. He gave me advices and even get mad when I don’t listen to him sometimes, when it turned out he’s right. We talked about almost everything. I know things about his kids and very few things about his wife. I always told him to fix things with his wife. I never wanted him to leave his wife. Everytime I got guilty, I tried to leave him. Many times I asked him if he was guilty, sinasabi lng nya “konti” and he would tell me na wala ba daw syang karapatan maging masaya. I told him masaya nga sya ngayon pero later in afterlife sa impyerno naman bagsak namin. I would always cry everytime na nagtatalo kami and I hate it kasi ang dali dali ko maiyak.
He told me na he’s just waiting for the right time to leave his wife. And that he couldn’t wait to be with me. Fucking cheater, liar, yawa.
I know it seems like I am romanticizing cheating but I’m just telling you facts about our relationship. Bakit ako pumatol sa kanya? I know, I’m the dumbest person alive. But I was emotionally attached to him. We talked everyday for a year before we had an affair. Literally, everyday talaga guys. He’s working online so it was easy to talk to me during working hours. And during that time student pa ako. Our relationship slowly became sexual overtime… He started asking photos from me. At first legs pa..then boob pics..then pusspics..until videocall na kmi..sharing fantasies…sharing vids…Step by step..slowly yun guys ha..It’s not like he asked for a boob pic then pusspics at the same time. He had to convince me hard before I sent him those photos because I was really nervous and I wasn’t confident at all.
So, bakit ko binigay?
Well, I learned that when you think you love somebody, you do everything to make them happy. And I loved him. I fucking loved him and I gave him almost everything. ALMOST.
Guys, he was my FIRST everything. Lahat ng ginawa ko with him FIRST TIME yon.
I willingly gave him almost everything because I loved him. And palagi nya sinasabi before na ang swerte swerte daw nya sakin. Di ko makalimutan sabi nya swerte nya daw sakin dahil i love him so much daw. Hahaahah buti alam ng gago.
So our affair went for almost 3 years. Almost 3 years na naguusap kami everyday then palagi nag iily sa gabi. Almost 3 years everyday may hinihingi syang pics, which I told him not to save. During those three years, I was guilty of cheating. Also during those three years, he convinced me to stay and because my love was stronger than my guilt, I stayed. Sometimes kasi he would do something crazy so that I will go back. Like, he would text me that he was drunk. Or he would text me na nasa hospital sya and when i asked what happened, he told me sinamahan lng nya pacheckup mommy nya.
I used to tell him everything. That means alam nya kung gaano ako ka guilty. Sya lng kasi nakakausap ko about how I feel because nobody knows about us. So lahat ng sakit, guilt sa kanya ko pinapalabas. And he just let me. But he never let me go.
I never told him that everytime I ask God for forgiveness, I always ask for strength to leave him – to do the right thing.
Guys, WE NEVER MET. Our relationship was only virtual. We planned meeting each other but di kami umabot don. We are too far from each other. He’s from North, I’m from South. At least hindi lahat naibigay ko sa kanya. I still have my Vcard.
SO WHAT HAPPENED?
We got caught. By. His. Wife.
She saw my photos.
And it was the worst moment of my life.
I asked to meet to settle everything and to ask forgiveness.
But she didn’t care.
So anong ginawa nya?
Kinalat nya pictures ko sa mga relatives ko, friends ko, classmates, even classmates ng mga kapatid ko, professors ko, workmates ko, sa page ng company where I was working. Yes, everyfckingwhere. KINALAT NYA SA LAHAT. AND NAWALAN AKO NG TRABAHO DAHIL DON. Tinanggal ako sa work ko. HE FUCKING KNOWS HOW I LOVED MY WORK SO MUCH AND WALA SYANG GINAWA TO STOP HER. MAYBE REALLY DID SOMETHING JUST LIKE WHAT HE TOLD ME BUT IT WASN’T ENOUGH. I begged her to stop pero walang effect. MUNTIKAN NA AKONG MABALIW. ANG SAKIT SAKIT KASI SINIRA NILA KINABUKASAN KO. MAYBE I DO DESERVE IT KASI MALANDI AKO, CHEATER, LOW LIFE KABIT.
SO PUTANG INANG PAGMAMAHAL YAN!!! IKAW MAGBIBIGAY NG LAHAT PERO SA BANDANG HULI LAHAT MAWAWALA SAYO!!!
I never met him. Pero sobra sobra yung parusa. Ang sakit sakit. Habang sya hindi nagsusuffer. Nasa akin lang lahat ng sakit. Nawalan ako ng trabaho at ng mga taong mahalaga sa akin. Nawalan ako ng kinabukasan dahil nagmahal ako at gumawa ako ng kasalanan. But I really do regret everything. God knows that. But still, sobrang sakit. It hurts so much that I hurt myself sometimes to cope with the pain.
SO LESSON LEARNED: WAG MONG IBIGAY LAHAT LALO NA KAPAG ALAM MONG MALI GINAGAWA NYO. NASA HULI ANG PAGSISI
Walang kwentang lesson kasi ako lang siguro ang tangang gumawa nyan